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“writing about a writer’s block is better than not writing at all”
― Charles BukowskiThe Last Night of the Earth Poems

I’ve been having trouble getting posts done for the last few days. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even think of a good title for this post. I mean, I have been writing and have several posts with several sentences written and yet, nothing I feel ready to actually publish.   Yesterday was a perfect day to blog about, and I started to, but it is still mostly incomplete.  I can honestly reflect on the last several days and recognize that I haven’t exactly had time to dedicate to writing, I mean it is the last week my kids have before going back to school and I’ve been hanging with them, my parents were in town and I have been juggling all of that, along with a new job that I love and other things I have both needed and wanted to do.  I would love to tell you that it’s been great. But I can’t.

I have knots in my neck and a tension headache that has been persisting for days and I keep thinking that next week will be better.  Another blogger who I really enjoy, Viola Cay, posted today about her kids putting things on ‘pause’, and how she has been putting her blog on pause.  I related, but in a different way.  I feel like my life is on pause since I have had a lot of other responsibilities and my stuff tends to be put aside.  Even the things I normally get pleasure from seem like work.  Does this happen to you?  I keep thinking that next week when school begins and I have a little bit of time and the start of a routine again, I will find a panacea for this chaos that I’m experiencing.  I am hoping that I will be able to write and tell you that I’ve gotten back to my Five Minutes to Me.

But if I’m being honest, and that is always my intention with this blog, I’m feeling overwhelmed.  There is a lot of really good stuff going on around me and one of the best things has been finding outlets for expressing myself.  But there is also some less than great stuff that I have to work through and this is the stuff that I would love to write about, but leaving myself vulnerable is scary, risky and not without consequence or judgment.  And this, I believe, is a big part of the reason I haven’t finished a post in days.  They are personal, and they are really what I wanted this blog to be about… finding myself as a woman and how it relates to being a mom.  And as a mom, sometimes my stuff just needs to wait- I don’t always have the ability to just take care of my needs on my own schedule and by the time I can get to them, my courage is outweighed by my need to rest.

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Filed under Motherhood, NaBloPoMo, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

Is it Hot in Here or is it Just Me?

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The fine folks at BlogHer have been kind enough to give those of us participating in NaBloPoMo for August daily prompts to help us blog each day.  The prompts are only if needed, and for me, today, ’tis needed indeeded.

Monday, August 5, 2013
What makes a woman hot? Is it something physical, an intangible personality trait, or something else entirely that labels a person as hot?

Really?  Sheesh.  In that case, let’s do this.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of hot is:

a : having a relatively high temperature;
b : capable of giving a sensation of heat or of burning, searing, or scalding;
c : having heat in a degree exceeding normal body heat.

This really makes me think the answer to this question is simple.  Menopause.  Menopause makes a woman hot.  Also, wearing too many clothes.  That will make this woman hot.  Or if the heat is on too high.  Or if it is 95 degrees in Chicago in the summertime and I’m not in A/C.  Who’s hot then?  Me, baby, me.  Oh, and let’s not get started on Mexican food.  That will make me hot in a flash! (get it… hot…flash?  I’ll be blogging all month, thanks.)

But that’s not really what this question is asking, right?  Let’s use another reliable source, shall we?  Hit it, Urban Dictionary:

1.someone thats EXTREMEMLY good looking but not like cute, more like sexy. when they walk by u turn ure head and wish u had a pause button or something.
2.something that is in some way attractive

Aside from the fact that ANYONE can post their own definition and the use of proper spelling and grammar is apparently optional, this is really what is at the heart of this question, isn’t it?  And you don’t really want to hear about why all woman are hot in their own ways either.  The question is basically asking me to blog about what I think makes a woman hot, isn’t it? I agree completely with Urban Dictionary’s first entry, with the exception being that someone needs to be extremely good looking.  Obviously, there are people who are just good looking, but that doesn’t mean I find them ‘hot’ or get hot when I see them.  The qualities that I find attractive in others is hard to define- it is a look, a way they carry themselves, the way that they look at me.  It can be a gesture, a smile, the way they look in glasses.  I just know it- I feel it- when it’s there.

Tomorrow, the question asks if I would want to be known as hot.  I’ll just answer now.  I’d be lying if I said no.  I think everyone at some point or another in our lives, wants to feel desired physically by another person.  And when I feel good about myself, that only adds to the mix.  I feel attractive to ME and that confidence shows through to others.  That, is hot.

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Filed under NaBloPoMo, self-confidence, truth, Uncategorized

Beautiful Day to be Mom(Me)

Beautiful Day to be Mom(Me)

“Why don’t you just go to the beach?” asked my good friend, Osco.

Being from the midwest, it often escapes me that I can just go to the beach. It was 3 p.m. on a Friday, and I was in the mood to get in the water. In a moment, I ran home, put on my swimming bits and pieces, grabbed towels and suits for the boys and grabbed them from camp.  I figured an hour or so at the beach would be enough.

My past behavior started suggesting that this would end badly (see post, Workin’ at the Carwash), but I decided to let contrary action prevail. Man, am I ever grateful that I did. We let the waves crash into us, trying to guess which ones would be strong and which would be weak. Big One loves to go in further and further, jumping into the waves, while Little Guy holds my hand and we try to challenge it to knock us down.  When they had enough, they went to bury each other in the sand.

I saw their laughter, their joy, and took a moment to really enjoy being their mom. A moment to really enjoy the waves, the beauty of the ocean. And I acknowledge that it’s really a blessing that I get to live like this.  I will try and remember this when they start driving me nuts.  Like now… as I write this post.

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August 3, 2013 · 4:08 pm

Happy Birthday, Joe Elliott.

“Photograph”, by Def Leppard, remains one of my favorite songs.  Their lead singer, Joe Elliott, was my first teenage crush.

This song came out 30 years ago. I was 12 years old and when I saw him and heard him sing, I was firmly rooted in my very first crush. The chorus of this song continues to make me want to cry and I’m no expert in music theory to try and explain it. Is there some sort of chord structure that evokes desperation or sadness or longing, because that’s what I feel when I hear it even now.  And I hear it when he sings- almost screams- the higher notes, like he just has to get there, whether or not his vocal range says he should.  I remember staring at pictures of the band in Circus Magazine, cutting them out and hanging them on my bedroom door.  He, like a lot of other rock musicians at the time, had this beautiful androgyny that I loved.  My best friend had the same love for David Bowie.  They were masculine, but had an unescapable softness in their presentation.  I mean, check it out, buddy has a mullet and is wearing leg warmers in this video.  And a scarf. And leather pants.  There is so much to now laugh at or mock, but I will tell you that this teenage girl was in LOVE.  I won’t even get into my thoughts on the Union Jack muscle shirt.

So Joe Elliott, Happy Birthday (even though it was yesterday).  I don’t care if the calendar says you turned 54. In my photograph, you are still 24 and I am still a teenage girl with a crush.

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August 2, 2013 · 10:11 am