Category Archives: NaBloPoMo

Good Intentions

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo and I have posted 17 times.  That’s 55%, if I round up, which of course I did.  To some, posting just over half of the time would be a failure, but this, for me, could not be further from the truth.   I did not set out with any intentions to post each day- although that was something to strive towards.  For me, it was my intention to follow through and participate in this for the entire month.  You see, I always start with good intentions.  I begin a lot of things with gusto and after a few days, maybe a week, tops, I lose interest or get distracted and stop what I was so eager to begin in the first place.  I know this about myself- it’s kinda my thing.

But does it have to be ‘my thing?  I just completed a practice of writing regularly over the course of a month.  I faced criticism and chose to continue writing- even when self-doubt crept in.  This has given me the confidence to follow through in other areas, too.  I am learning that I can choose to do something and sometimes I will get great pleasure from it and continue.  Other times I will discover that I am not getting much from it and decide to stop- or I may decide that while I don’t get much from it, it is still valuable.  It doesn’t really matter.  To me, what matters is the attempt and willingness to try something new.

Going forward, it is my intention to post twice a week, with the acknowledgement that I may post more frequently as I feel compelled.  If you like my blog, please SUBSCRIBE or just hit LIKE on a post.  I sincerely appreciate all of the support and love I’ve received from many of you.  It is so special and something that keeps me on the path of my good intentions.

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Filed under NaBloPoMo, Personal Growth

Fiery Red Ahead

My kids lose their temper sometimes.  I wonder where they got it from.  I mean they don’t even have my red hair.

I have always wondered why people say that redheads have tempers.  In the past, I never would have considered a temper as part of my personality but as I get older, I realize I do indeed have one.  But listen, I looked it up and everything and I may actually just be born that way.  There have been studies conducted and it seems that redheaded women are more sensitive. We get colder faster.  We bruise more easily.  In an article in Psychology Today, Jena Pincott discusses the studies and the genetics of redheads.  It doesn’t flat out say that I can rationalize my temper to my hair color, but it’s definitely something I want to consider.  Is it possible that I am genetically more sensitive and therefore piss off more easily?

Medically-explained or not, I still strive to deepen my understanding of myself and when I find myself losing my temper, I have been working on ways to find peace.  Today, for example, there were many frustrating moments, but I really tried to pay attention and find gratitude, humor or frankly, a distraction to combat my fiery ways.  I tried to find gratitude in the beautiful weather we had, and that at one point, I was enjoying listening to the 70’s/80’s cover band playing at the festival next to the park while the kids were playing.  I was starting to lose my cool because of the constant stream of reports by one about the other’s behavior.  Frankly, it was interrupting my ability to hear a cover of Journey’s, “Just the Same Way (You Love Me)”.  My solution?  Play air guitar with the inflatable sword the kids won, and sing along, out loud.  My son just stared at me for a minute, then walked away.

I could blame it on my red hair, but I don’t think they found that redheads were genetically any sillier.  That might just be me.

*I am participating in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo for August and I used their prompt for Tuesday, August 20, 2013, “Would you describe yourself as having a temper?”

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Filed under Music, NaBloPoMo, Personal Growth, What Really Happened

Happy Birthday, Little Guy

He is asleep now, but when he wakes up, he will be 5.  Happy Birthday, my sweet, sweet boy.

I know it is cliché to say that we love them all equally, but like any parent, pet owner, or lover of any creature in groups more than one, it’s really true.  When I met him, I had been a mom to his brother for two years and I think I believed that they would be the same- that their personalities would be alike.  Looking at it now, I realize that was a naive but give me a break, I had just spent the last 9 months growing a person, raising/loving/chasing/being defeated by a toddler, all while working a full time job.  The kid was honestly lucky he didn’t end up with his brother’s name followed by a #2.  But from the start, this fella showed up and let us know how uniquely himself he was planned to be.  In honor of his 5th birthday, I want to share 5 things I love about him and only him:

1.  His scratchy little Muppet voice.
2.  He sings in the car, in his room, in the bath, everywhere.
3.  He loves animals and insists that they tell him things.
4.  He says his brother is his best friend and means it.
5.  He looks at me like I invented sunshine.

There are about a million more things I want to tell you, but instead, when he wakes up in the morning, I will tell him this:

“Little Boy, my special bug, I am so blessed to be your mom, to get to love you and to help show you the way as you grow.   Happy, happy birthday.”

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Filed under Motherhood, NaBloPoMo

“writing about a writer’s block is better than not writing at all”
― Charles BukowskiThe Last Night of the Earth Poems

I’ve been having trouble getting posts done for the last few days. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even think of a good title for this post. I mean, I have been writing and have several posts with several sentences written and yet, nothing I feel ready to actually publish.   Yesterday was a perfect day to blog about, and I started to, but it is still mostly incomplete.  I can honestly reflect on the last several days and recognize that I haven’t exactly had time to dedicate to writing, I mean it is the last week my kids have before going back to school and I’ve been hanging with them, my parents were in town and I have been juggling all of that, along with a new job that I love and other things I have both needed and wanted to do.  I would love to tell you that it’s been great. But I can’t.

I have knots in my neck and a tension headache that has been persisting for days and I keep thinking that next week will be better.  Another blogger who I really enjoy, Viola Cay, posted today about her kids putting things on ‘pause’, and how she has been putting her blog on pause.  I related, but in a different way.  I feel like my life is on pause since I have had a lot of other responsibilities and my stuff tends to be put aside.  Even the things I normally get pleasure from seem like work.  Does this happen to you?  I keep thinking that next week when school begins and I have a little bit of time and the start of a routine again, I will find a panacea for this chaos that I’m experiencing.  I am hoping that I will be able to write and tell you that I’ve gotten back to my Five Minutes to Me.

But if I’m being honest, and that is always my intention with this blog, I’m feeling overwhelmed.  There is a lot of really good stuff going on around me and one of the best things has been finding outlets for expressing myself.  But there is also some less than great stuff that I have to work through and this is the stuff that I would love to write about, but leaving myself vulnerable is scary, risky and not without consequence or judgment.  And this, I believe, is a big part of the reason I haven’t finished a post in days.  They are personal, and they are really what I wanted this blog to be about… finding myself as a woman and how it relates to being a mom.  And as a mom, sometimes my stuff just needs to wait- I don’t always have the ability to just take care of my needs on my own schedule and by the time I can get to them, my courage is outweighed by my need to rest.

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Filed under Motherhood, NaBloPoMo, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

Not Dark Yet

The other night, as I drove home after an evening of sharing, listening, talking, “Not Dark Yet” by Bob Dylan came on the radio.  Feeling a little melancholy, I immediately thought of you, my former best friend.  I can’t believe we live so close to one another, despite being a couple thousand miles from our hometown, and yet I don’t know you anymore.  You don’t know me, either.  Our lives have moved so far from one another and it seems really strange because for so many years, since we were kids, we were best friends.  I thought it was so special that a girl and boy could be best friends and never have to become Harry & Sally.  We spent so many hours talking, listening to music, watching tv, doing nothing, playing guitar, singing in the car, going to concerts… oh the concerts.  I saw my first concert with you- I think it was your first too.  Billy Idol, Rebel Yell.  1984.  Your mom brought a book and read in the 11th row and we laughed when we smelled pot in the air for the first time.  You looked like Anthony Michael Hall and I was Molly Ringwald.  We watched each other fall in love with other people, had our hearts broken, talked about everything .  We would stop talking for unknown reasons and then we would be friends again.  We were good, good friends.

People assumed we would get married one day.  I think we were the only two who didn’t agree.  That’s not to say we didn’t wonder. I can only speak for myself when I say I wondered.  I felt it was at least something I should ask myself and you- was our friendship more?  I wasn’t even asking because I wanted us to be together like that, I just wanted to make sure we weren’t ignoring something.  But I think that my asking the question changed our friendship. I’m sorry if it did.

I remember when you got married.  I was so happy for you both.  I remember when you started dating her and I saw how happy you were and when I saw you two together, I knew it was good stuff.  I also remember feeling left out.  Not because I was jealous or wanted to be in her place, but because I saw your new life and knew I wouldn’t be part of it.  I saw other friends be part of your joy and I was now on the outside.  For some reason, I always thought I’d been a groomswoman in your wedding, and when you and the guys were all were talking about seeing Levon Helm in New York and I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t I there?”  The girl you were best friends with since childhood would have been there with you guys, just as she was when we waited at midnight for gas in Wisconsin after seeing The Who.  I realized that there was no longer a place for a grown woman in this friendship of men.

It hurt for a long time, I was angry and I resented you.  But now, I am just happy to have such good memories and hope they are good ones for you, too.

I bet you are a good husband and a good dad.  I have no doubt that you work really hard to make a good life for your family.  I also am certain that you are a good man.  I hope you still play guitar a lot.  You play beautifully and I miss singing with you.  Especially Dylan.

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Filed under Music, NaBloPoMo, Personal Growth, truth, What Really Happened

You Are a Joy and a Treasure

To my beautiful boy,

I write you today, just because.  It is not a special day of any kind, and yet, I felt like I needed to say some things to you.  Even though you are 7 and not allowed on the computer without permission and you might never even read this, I write this to you so I can remember today.

This morning you crawled in my bed, snuggled up and asked me to scratch your back.  You had horrible morning breath.  You farted on my leg.  It was incredibly annoying because really, I was doing important things.  I was reading my horoscope and checking Facebook.  My coffee was ready in the kitchen, calling to me.  I was in no mood to be MOM, not yet.

You started talking about making a carnival at your brother’s preschool.  Again.  This topic of conversation has been constant and when I said, “I’ll think about it,” you took that as a YES and have been planning it ever since.  No, I haven’t bought prize tickets yet, I haven’t asked the school if we can do it and I really don’t think an egg toss is a good idea for preschoolers.

You are the first person I ever met that I am biologically related to.  You look just like me.  You are loving and kind and creative.  You are so smart, that it freaks me out sometimes. But most of all, like your brother, I am completely in love with you.  I learn from you every day.  You teach me grace, because even when I’m not in the mood to get all mommy up in your business, I do it anyway and you just love me.  You don’t care if I’m having a bad day, you don’t need to know about the real, grown-up problems in my life, you just love me.

You are kind and funny and generous and mindful of others and I hope you got bits of those qualities from me.  I love that you want to have a carnival for preschoolers just because you think they’d love it.  But if I take any credit for those qualities, then I must also acknowledge that the things that drive me crazy are also bits from me, too.  They are little reminders of my own character defects, although I prefer to call them ‘personality quirks’.  I hope you grow to embrace them and not beat yourself up over them, because they are still part of you and you are beautiful.

Thank you for reminding me of this today.  And stop scratching your butt.  I love you to the moon and back, infinity.

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Is it Hot in Here or is it Just Me?

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The fine folks at BlogHer have been kind enough to give those of us participating in NaBloPoMo for August daily prompts to help us blog each day.  The prompts are only if needed, and for me, today, ’tis needed indeeded.

Monday, August 5, 2013
What makes a woman hot? Is it something physical, an intangible personality trait, or something else entirely that labels a person as hot?

Really?  Sheesh.  In that case, let’s do this.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of hot is:

a : having a relatively high temperature;
b : capable of giving a sensation of heat or of burning, searing, or scalding;
c : having heat in a degree exceeding normal body heat.

This really makes me think the answer to this question is simple.  Menopause.  Menopause makes a woman hot.  Also, wearing too many clothes.  That will make this woman hot.  Or if the heat is on too high.  Or if it is 95 degrees in Chicago in the summertime and I’m not in A/C.  Who’s hot then?  Me, baby, me.  Oh, and let’s not get started on Mexican food.  That will make me hot in a flash! (get it… hot…flash?  I’ll be blogging all month, thanks.)

But that’s not really what this question is asking, right?  Let’s use another reliable source, shall we?  Hit it, Urban Dictionary:

1.someone thats EXTREMEMLY good looking but not like cute, more like sexy. when they walk by u turn ure head and wish u had a pause button or something.
2.something that is in some way attractive

Aside from the fact that ANYONE can post their own definition and the use of proper spelling and grammar is apparently optional, this is really what is at the heart of this question, isn’t it?  And you don’t really want to hear about why all woman are hot in their own ways either.  The question is basically asking me to blog about what I think makes a woman hot, isn’t it? I agree completely with Urban Dictionary’s first entry, with the exception being that someone needs to be extremely good looking.  Obviously, there are people who are just good looking, but that doesn’t mean I find them ‘hot’ or get hot when I see them.  The qualities that I find attractive in others is hard to define- it is a look, a way they carry themselves, the way that they look at me.  It can be a gesture, a smile, the way they look in glasses.  I just know it- I feel it- when it’s there.

Tomorrow, the question asks if I would want to be known as hot.  I’ll just answer now.  I’d be lying if I said no.  I think everyone at some point or another in our lives, wants to feel desired physically by another person.  And when I feel good about myself, that only adds to the mix.  I feel attractive to ME and that confidence shows through to others.  That, is hot.

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Filed under NaBloPoMo, self-confidence, truth, Uncategorized