But what if….?

– it all goes wrong?
– no one wants what you have?
– no one agrees with you?
– you hurt me?
– you hurt him/her/hym/hir/them?
– you hurt yourself?
– you don’t get a job?
– the kids find out?
– the neighbors find out?
– my friends find out?
– your friends find out?
– you change?

These are the voices that rattle around in my head a lot.  They are also voices from others in front of me, from people who love me, who worry about me, who care about me.  These voices mean well, right?  I always thought they did.  I know they INTEND to come from a caring place, but for me, they paralyze me, or at least they did in the past.  They prevented me from getting into action to follow my heart and they brought me to places I never thought I would see.  I now see that by filling myself up with these external fears, doubts and opinions, I have left no room in my soul all the possibilities and goodness that is all around me.  I now see that it doesn’t have to be this way.  These fears and questions, as well intended as they might be, are not mine to hold.  I can listen respectfully to your perspective and then I can hand it back to you to hold.  Your doubt doesn’t change who I am or who I am meant to be.

It really comes back to my kids.  When I think of the kind of adult I hope they get to be, I hope they get to live their lives honestly, with integrity and without fear of “What if”.  Developing a strong sense of self and the confidence to move through life without the distraction of external fears, doubts and opinions is my greatest wish for them.  Teaching them patience, grace and respect for the world and the people around them is part of this too.  And the only way that I believe I can do this is by showing them through my example.  I will confess that I am scared, I hear “What if” shouting at me- especially as I write my stories here on this blog.  But I feel like these are stories I need to share and then I think of my kids and my wish for them and I turn down the volume on the voice that is asking, “What if…?” and hit Publish.

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Filed under Motherhood, Personal Growth

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