I knew there would be a call. The call. From HR, telling me that they would like to see me. Even though I knew it was coming, I still started to cry. Fear? Maybe. But mostly, relief. This had been a long time coming and I knew that my job was about to break up with me. That’s how it felt. I cried because we had both been through a lot together and even though it was time to part ways, it was bittersweet. There were many people I grew to love and others I grew to hate. I wouldn’t see either much anymore. I was glad to collect the severance they reminded me was very generous and thought about the future. Boy, did I have plans.
My first plan was to spend time with my kids. They were little and I had been a working parent so the idea of being able to spend some time home while looking for a new job sounded fun. I also wanted to write. I never told anyone this until recently. There would be some that knew me way back when and never saw any indication that I wanted to be a writer. Very astute, old friend. These are the same people who intended to marry someone in Depeche Mode and we saw how that worked out so lesson be learned, just because we say, or don’t say, one thing, doesn’t mean it will, or won’t, happen.
It’s now August, 2011. The intentions of that day back in December are still there, but a lot has changed. I love my kids but miss having a job to go to each day. I am baffled at how my house is still a mess and dinner isn’t made when all I did was go to the park and the market. I promise you, my laundry was never as fresh as when I was working 40+ a week and taking care of a baby. Either that, or I was so sleep deprived and desperate that a shirt without spit up on the sleeve was my definition of ‘springtime breeze’. Somehow, all this time I was supposed to have without a 9-5 job was going to allow me to live out the fantasies I was always too afraid to consider and too insecure to tell. Instead, I have spent a lot of time being ‘too’ and unwilling to get out of my own way to just try. I have been depressed. I have wanted to run away and hide. So all that stops now. Instead, I will try things without fear of what others might think. Am I really so fab that others have the time and interest in judging me? Probably not. I will be willing to try and willing to fail. I will not stop short at wishing I could do something. There is a good chance I will not be good at most things at first, but that’s not the point.
This is my plan, but I procrastinate so we’ll see.